So You Think You’ve Married the Wrong Person?

Seven hard truths most people ignore until it’s too late.

When I saw Roger’s Facebook profile photo, my first reaction, if I’m honest, was that he wasn’t good-looking enough for me. Yet when he sent a message saying I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, I gave in to his invitation for dinner, she says, in regret.

“According to a new survey of more than 1,600 divorcees, 49 percent admitted they were worried on their wedding day that their relationship would break down, and two-thirds considered leaving their spouse-to-be at the altar.”

“A sixth said they hoped their partner would change after the wedding, while others said they got married in the hope that it would ‘all work out’ in the end.”

“Lord, I’m sorry! I married the wrong man. Please forgive me,” she cries out in agonizing prayer.

No couple should expect bliss every day, and most couples know that perfection is not on the cards. Nevertheless, there are couples who display such deep-seated incompatibility, such heightened rage and disappointment, that most people will conclude something else is at play beyond normal friction: they appear to have married the wrong person.

How do such errors happen in our enlightened, knowledge-rich times? To avoid becoming a “statistic,” try to internalize these seven insights.

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#1. You picked the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married.

Many Christians may assume that non-believers are more likely to marry the wrong person because they lack God’s guidance in finding their one true love. But not so fast. Unfortunately, the number of Christians divorcing is no lower than that of non-believers.

“Singles today (and most married couples too) are searching for super-spouses that simply don’t exist.”

Movie star Mickey Rooney said, “Marriage is like batting in baseball; when the right one comes along, you don’t want to let it go by.” It sounds good—until you realize that Mickey was married eight times. He must have had a lot of “good pitches” to swing at!

Mickey Rooney had what might be called the “needle in a haystack” view of picking a mate.

But you won’t find a “wrong needle” clause in the Bible that gives you an “out” if you conclude that your spouse isn’t right for you. Instead, you’ll find in Malachi 2:15, “Do not break faith with the wife of your youth.”

Surprising to many, the Bible never tells us to find the one God has chosen. It tells us how to live with the person we have chosen. It’s easy to take our thoughts to the extreme when we’re unhappy, but let’s not forget that God says, “Come, let us reason together” (Isaiah 1:18). You didn’t marry a mind reader—don’t fault him or her for that.

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#2. You picked the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.

Many societies portray marriage as a temporary arrangement that can be adapted or abandoned at will. When first looking for a partner, the requirements we come up with are coloured by a beautiful, non-specific sentimental vagueness.

All of us are “crazy” in very particular ways. Too many people say their vows without a real commitment—to their spouse or to God.

Marriage is not primarily about finding the right spouse. It’s about being the right person. In The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm declares, “To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.”

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#3. You choose the wrong person because you do not share common life goals and priorities.

Biblically, a Christian should be looking to marry another believer who shares a similar commitment to following the Lord Jesus. Marriage to an unbeliever should be avoided (2 Corinthians 6:14). So, if a Christian marries a non-Christian, he or she may have indeed married the wrong person.

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#4. You choose the wrong person because you got intimately involved too quickly.

“Do you know unmarried couples who attend church, have consensual sex and may even live together?”

The Bible contains much about sex, and believe it or not, God thinks it’s a great idea—after all, He created it and declared it “good.”

Many Christian couples justify cohabitation by saying they will eventually get married. However, the Bible promotes abstinence before marriage. Sex between a husband and wife is the only form of sexual relationship God approves of (Hebrews 13:4).

If you believe Christ died for your sins and you trust in Him alone for salvation, Christ commands you to pick up your cross and follow Him (Matthew 16:24). Sex outside of marriage is a sin, regardless of how one tries to reinterpret Scripture.

Also consider this: if the Bible’s teaching on sex before marriage were followed, there would be far fewer sexually transmitted diseases, abortions, unwed mothers, and children growing up without both parents.

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#5. You picked the wrong person because you didn’t put everything on the table.

Let’s start with the big one: trust.

When a spouse is persistently and relentlessly dishonest—even about small things—it creates doubt and insecurity. The journey often begins during courtship, where the goal becomes winning the person at any cost, even if it involves deception.

“You look as beautiful today as the day I met you.”
“Of course you don’t look fat in that.”
“I’m not angry.”
“I wasn’t looking at her—I was just noticing her boots.”

Legally, all you need for a wedding is paperwork. But what truly matters is honesty—the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

“If you tell the truth, it becomes part of your past. If you tell a lie, it becomes part of your future.” — Author unknown

That quote really says it all.

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#6. You picked the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape personal problems.

Many cultures promote the idea that marriage should meet all our needs. But people who are unhappy when single often become even more dissatisfied in marriage.

“When you’re single, your level of contentment can range from low to high. When you’re married, that range often becomes even wider—both positively and negatively.”

God wants to transform you—not the physical you, but the selfish nature within. Marriage is one of the greatest tools for that transformation. In fact, it is almost impossible to succeed in marriage without learning to put selfishness aside.

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#7. You picked the wrong person because you did not consult God.

“I don’t think I can do any better,” he or she says.

It may sound cliché, but if you don’t respect and love yourself, it will be difficult to respect and love another person.

Surely we are not destined to fail. Perhaps we misunderstand God’s will. Many people say if they could go back, they would choose differently. But remember—God promises that if we ask, He will answer.

Ask Him. Seek His guidance. Let the Holy Spirit lead you as your Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6).

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Final Thought

How can a person avoid marrying the wrong person?

The truth is, a successful marriage is not the result of finding the “right” person, feeling the “right” emotions, or even praying the “right” prayers.

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage—and half shut afterwards” (Poor Richard’s Almanac, 1738).

But even better:
“Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33).